How to Help Someone Who is Grieving

Grief is common to the human experience. It is likely that we will grieve at points in our life. It is also likely that at some stage we will want to help someone who is grieving.

Grief can take many forms and is deeply personal. It can be challenging to experience grief and to help someone else who is going through it, especially if that person is someone who is close to us. After all, grief can be painful and it can hurt us when we see someone close to us who is in pain.

This reflection looks at the complexities of grief and it provides tips on how to help somebody grappling with grief.

Understanding Grief

What is Grief?

Grief is an emotional response to loss. It includes a wide range of feelings including sadness, disbelief and numbness. Many types of losses can lead to grief. Typical loss is the death of a loved one. However, other types of losses can lead to grief, such as the loss of a relationship, the loss of health or the loss of a job. Someone who is going through a major life transition can grieve. For example, grief can include the realisation that someone is ageing and not able to enjoy the full range of activities they were once able to enjoy. Grief can be a strong and sometimes overwhelming emotion.

Grief is a universal experience. It is natural to grieve. Despite it being so common, the experience of it is individual. Grief can take many forms. There is no one “right way” to grieve. Additionally, even though it is commonly experienced, the person who is grieving often feels alone. They may feel that they are the only one in grief, the only person who has ever felt this way. They may also seek to be alone, which can be a complicating factor for grief.

Different Grief Reactions

The experience of grief is complex and can include a variety of responses: emotional, cognitive, physical and behavioural.

Common emotional responses include shock, denial, profound sadness, and sometimes anger. There can be physical responses such as fatigue, nausea and disturbed sleep. A person who is experiencing grief can also experience cognitive effects such as mental confusion, faulty memory, disruptions in their ability to concentrate, constant ruminations and preoccupation with the loss.

There can also be changes of behaviour such as social withdrawal and outward expressions of grief and sadness. People who are grieving can sometimes change their behaviours by the denial of certain activities or even pleasures; typically, they may eat less, they may change the way that they dress, they may refuse to join in usually pleasurable activities.

Sometimes, the depths of grief reactions can lead to unhelpful coping strategies. A person who is grieving may resort to the use of drugs or alcohol as a way of numbing themselves or taking away the pain. It is sometimes possible to identify if someone is grieving because they reduce self-care activities; they no longer take care of their personal appearance or their physical health. In more extreme examples, they may contemplate self-harming or even suicide.

The Importance of Recognising Grief

It is important to recognise and acknowledge grief because healing is only possible through recognition and acknowledgement. If someone tries to ignore grief or to repress it, it can lead to complications such as a prolonged grief disorder.

In understanding grief, it is also important to understand that it is not a single event. Rather, grief is a process. Furthermore, it is a process that has no fixed timeline and that has no “normal” or expected ways of being. It is important for the person experiencing grief, and for those who are providing support, to recognise that the timeline for managing or overcoming grief is personal and will vary from individual to individual. What may take months for one person may take a year or more for someone else. It is also important to recognise that grief takes many forms.

There is no set timeline for grief. For how long should someone grieve? For as long as it takes. Some losses are so profound that their effects will be felt for a lifetime. As time passes the intensity of the grief may ease, as the person integrates the loss into their life. Everyone’s timeline for grief is different.

What to Say and Not to Say

In this section we will look at ways in which we can communicate with the people who are grieving, and we will look at what to avoid. However, before talking about what we can say to someone who is grieving, it is important to point out that often our presence, without words, is often the best. Being there with the person can often be the best comfort we can provide. A supporting and caring presence helps.

Comforting Words

When we are with someone who is grieving, we can sometimes feel lost for words. What can we say that can adequately help or support them? Nothing that we can say will ever be able to restore the loss. But we can offer comfort and we can acknowledge the pain without trying to fix it. Simple expressions of sympathy such as “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I’m here for you” are often more comforting than trying to find a solution.

In times of grief, listening is probably more important than talking. Never force someone to talk. But you can invite someone through an open question such as “Do you feel like talking?” or a comment such as “I will be here whenever you want to talk.”

Using as few words as possible, let the grieving person know that it is okay for them to express their grief in whatever way they want. Accept and acknowledge all expressions of emotion. This can include, for example, telling someone that it is okay for a person who is grieving to laugh at the recall of a fond or favourite memory of their loved one. Let the person say what they want to say and be patient. Words or stories that are frequently repeated can be a way for someone to process their loss and their grief.

Phrases to Avoid

Some phrases can be said with the best of intentions, but they can inadvertently cause more harm than good. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. Avoid platitudes such as “they are in a better place” as these words can be at best meaningless and at worst they can diminish the person’s experience.

Avoid expressions such as, “be strong” or “stay positive.” These types of phrases can minimise the person’s feelings and they can suggest to the person that their grief is something that should be overcome quickly.

We may try to empathise with someone by sharing an experience by making a comparison. Avoid doing this. Phrases such as “I know how you feel” do not help, even if they are said with the best of intentions. Even though you may have had a similar experience, these types of phrases can feel insensitive and dismissive; it will feel like you are shifting the conversation away from the person and towards you.

Examples of Supportive Conversations

Let the grieving person express their feelings. Let them share stories. If you happen to know the person about whom they are talking, you can join in the conversation but don’t take over; simply add a few words or ask an open question. If the person who is grieving the loss of a loved one, use the loved one’s name in conversation.

Be genuine in your responses and avoid trying to divert the conversation to less painful topics. If you’re unsure of what to say, admitting, “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I care” is honest and profoundly supportive.

And now I come to a really important point. If you say you are going to do something for someone, you have to do it. Time and again I’ve heard from clients who were bitterly disappointed when friends offered support at a time of grief and never came through. If you say something like, “I am here for you” then you have to be available. An unkept or broken promise can be incredibly dismissive.

Practical Ways to Help

Grief can get in the way of managing even basic tasks. One of the best ways to help someone who is grieving is to offer practical help. Providing help says that you care.

Providing Meals

Offering a meal is a tangible way to help someone who is grieving. Keep the food simple and ready to be reheated without fuss. A homemade simple meal can be nourishing. Consider the person’s preferences. If it is not possible or feasible to cook something, then offer to arrange a meal from a cafe or restaurant by delivery. In appropriate circumstances it might help to arrange a meal schedule with friends. Remember that the person who is grieving may not want to socialise, so don’t limit the options to a meal at your home; provide the food to them instead. Here is a guide to the food you can prepare.

Helping with Chores

Practical help with daily chores can lighten the emotional load for people who are grieving. Here are some tips:

• doing the laundry,
• cleaning the house,
• managing bills (if it is appropriate),
• caring for pets,
• mowing the lawn,
• helping with childcare,
• offering to pick up children from school.

These and other types of practical help can provide a break for the person who is grieving and can be a gesture of immense kindness.

Offering a Listening Ear

Listening can be a crucial part of the support process. Being available to listen to someone’s feelings and to hear details of their loss, without judgement, can be very comforting. It is important to approach these conversations with sensitivity. Let the person know that it is all right for them to express their feelings in whatever way they wish.

At the same time, be aware of your own feelings. If you start to become too emotional it may be best to take a break from the conversation in a compassionate and sensitive way. Think about the conversation beforehand and decide for yourself whether you are emotionally up to it at that time.

When you are listening, it is important to “be with” the person. You can do this by:

• shut out all distractions,
• look at the other person and take in what they’re saying and what they’re doing,
• listen with your heart,
• discard all judgements,
• listen only to the other person’s story,
• resist the temptation to think of your own experiences.

Remember that you are there with and for the other person. It is all about them; it is not about you.

Long-Term Support

Given that grief has no timeline, there may be situations where long term support may be necessary for someone to help them navigate their journey of grief.

Ongoing Communication

It is crucial to maintain contact with the grieving individual. A person who is grieving will often feel that life is standing still for them, and these feelings can be magnified when they see others moving on with their lives. Being remembered by others, however, can be of immense help.

Continued presence can be invaluable, especially after the immediate aftermath of a loss, when it is likely that initial support may dwindle.

Contact can be maintained through simple messages, checking in with the individual, visiting them (but not through Unexpected or unannounced visits), all sending a thoughtful message. If the person has lost a loved one, remembering them by name can help. It can be very helpful for someone to know that their loved one is still being remembered.

Remembering Important Dates

We all have important days in our lives. Special dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays can remind people over loss and can be the source of sadness. Being attentive to a grieving person at these times can be very supportive. Simple gestures can help, such as sending a card or a message, making a phone call, sending some flowers, or spending time together. Plan ahead for these dates. The fact that you have remembered will mean a lot to the person.

Encouraging Professional Help if Needed

While it is normal to grieve for a long time, we need to be aware in ourselves and in others if there are signs that some professional help may be needed. For example, if we notice that symptoms of grief are becoming more intense instead of gradually moderating, it may be the case that there are complications to the grief. In these instances, professional help may be needed.

Professional help is available in many forms. Help can be obtained through support groups or by seeking counselling or therapy.

Suggesting to a person that they may need professional help needs to be done in a considerate and compassionate way. If you intend to make such a suggestion to someone, think it through carefully and plan ahead. Consider when would be the most appropriate time. It is important to consider the location of any conversation; you will want to have such a conversation in a place that is quiet, confidential and where you will not be disturbed. Avoid insisting that someone seek professional help. Provide as much support, information and resources you have available.

Conclusion

Grief can be a long lonely journey. Being with someone during grief can be incredibly supportive. Whether it consists of lending an ear, acknowledging someone’s pain through thoughtful actions, or simply being present, these simple gestures make a significant difference. Moreover, the importance of long-term support underscores the reality that grief is a journey. People who grieve need support beyond the immediate aftermath of loss.

You may be supporting someone who is grieving, or you may be someone who has suffered a loss. If you need further guidance or professional support, you can always contact me for help.

No one needs to walk the path of grief alone.